Spellbound (by uber silly vampire crack telly)
I dunno what is is about Episode 8 of True Blood, but in every season Ep 8 has been the magic number for super fantastique TV. Season 1 had the outdoor mud sex of visceral, lusty awesome (still never to be topped, bitches), Season 2 had the white suit motherfucker church standoff and Bill hitting Lorena with the plasma TV, Season 3 had more fabulous fucking and that great handbags-at-dawn smackdown between Debbie ‘about to go psycho any second’ Pelt and the Sook. Despite much eye rolling and rude gestures (the bird, the ‘wanker’ sign) by myself and hubby at more gooey, saccharine and totally insincere babble between the blonde twins, this episode continued the grand tradition of demented brilliance mixed with only the occasional Nana Nap bit or ‘LOL, seriously?’ cringe moment.
Clearly stung by my acid-spitting critique from last week’s review, Saint Sookie the Single Brain-Celled decided to interrupt her V-trip to the Harlequin Soft Porn for Middle Aged Ladies Channel and go and do something useful for a change, but is not very useful at all. She ends up getting shot by some random after zapping a single inept witch and that’s our cliffhanger for this week. Much as I sadistically enjoyed seeing her get shot, they had to ruin my enjoyment with more rescuing of the damsel in distress schtick and pshaw, don’t insult my intelligence, Mr Ball. Alcide and Bill will save her pert ass and Debbie will get her skinny ass kicked over the edge of sanity into a murderous mental case sticky end, like in the Sacred Book 4. But that hallowed text has been mostly ignored this season, for which I am sooooo bloody grateful, so you never know eh?
Rutro Raggy, girl in trouble agin
Anyhoo, I am jumping ahead of myself to the big Bon Temps Graveyard Rumble at the end of the episode when I should be relaying other exciting events in a semi-coherent order with the usual uncharitable and generally retarded commentary. But how brilliant was Jessica in this episode, and how glad are y’all that she’s not a pile of unattractive goo on the lawn? Almost as glad as Vampire Dad methinks. She never, ever bores me, she’s always funny, sweet n’ vulnerable, scary as all hell, and deeply tragic. Also Jason Stackhouse, RAWR. That himbo is a real contender for CE’s bored-at-work daytime fantasies, and it’s not just his uniform (mmmm, uniforms). The characters I woo-hoo for are the ones that have put on their grown-up panties and learned from their crazy, whereas the ones that bug the shit out of me have stagnated and learned nothing at all. While I’m still gushing and yet to move on to mocking and bitching, oh William, the Conqueror of my discerning heart and lady parts, you’re soooo dreamy. Mean ole Nan Flanagan must never depose him but should give him a raise and a hybrid to replace that vile gas guzzling SUV he’s driving around in. Tree hugging CE disapproves.
Mm mm good, That Stackhouse Boy
As expected by everyone bar a few gullible stupids, Jason sails through the front door telegenically to save Jess, they kiss awkwardly but still with some heat, and he carries her back downstairs to frantic Daddy, displaying adorable dorkiness as he chains her back up until Bill gets mildly exasperated and sends him on his way. Being on Bill’s security team is the most dangerous job in Looziana, beating even doing public relations for British Petroleum and/or FEMA, so Jess n’ Jason’s dead and injured staff get properly compensated. Over at the werewolf meeting, the packmaster proves himself surprisingly sensible and his pack marginally more interesting than that shower of trashy junkies in Jackson last season, opting to stay the fuck out of the vamp vs. witch debacle. While Sam makes amends with his foxy girlfriend, who alas is the ex of said packmaster (sadly revealed to be a possessive, stalkerish blowhard later on in the hour), we take an uber disturbing trip into Jessica’s dreams, where the break up with Hoyt is brutal, cruel and ultimately murderous. This was so hideous and so well done I was utterly gripped, especially by the way she imagined him; smelly, slobby, clingy, whiny and unable to function without her. The reality when it comes later is no less WTF, but Hoyt is much nastier and assertive, telling her he doesn’t deserve her emotional fuckwittage, he deserves better, and going in for the kill himself in his choice of insults. Brava, Alan Ball and actors, just WOW.
"I wish she'd keep her boyfriends outside"
Dragging myself reluctantly over to the House of Lurve, Stupid Sookie is still in La La Land, offering Eric her blood to heal (fair do’s, he looks pretty munted) and then inexplicably taking his blood despite all her rage and frustration about being tricked into drinking it not so long ago. Not only will this come back to bite her on the ass later, it also completely ruins the long awaited shower scene from the Sacred Book with sparkly V- addled bollocks. As I convulse with LOLZ and snorts, there’s awkward stroking (um, are her tits a no go zone or something?), the kind of loved up babbling you hear from two randoms on E in a nightclub, the magical land of ice and snow and convenient beds, and strategically placed furs. It’s consistently Twilight (or Narnia, but everyone on the interwebs has made that comparison, so I’m being ORIGINAL), but not particularly sexy.
Enough about THEM, lets go visit the King, he’s always doing something interestin’ these days, non? The goo puddle of daywalking Beulah Carter is attracting the interest of the cops (particularly Andy, typically strung out and sweary awesome, who wants to eat it, RANK), rubberneckers including ole Maxine, a news reporter, and famous local Vampire Bill. Glamouring the reporter into giving him a good spot on the news to exploit the death by pushing the AVL agenda, the slick operator then gives Marnie/Antonia/whatever a call. She’s just seen him on the telly and is both pissed and perplexed by using the number keys on the remote to get rid of his sly, smexy face. Making an apology on behalf of all bastard vampires and pleading for peace, he sets up a midnight summit in the graveyard that will not include Jess ‘cos maybe she’s too busy getting kicked out of her suitor’s houses, but will include Sookie n’ Eric because Sook insists, suddenly remembering she’s the goddamn star of this show so better be doing something other than rooting and breaking hearts. While Maxine is ghoulishly distracted by the spectacle of next door death, Tommy sneaks into her house and nicks some of her classy stout matron threads (and knickers, LOLZ). This skinwalking thingy is turning out surprisingly good fun. A sweary, uncouth, beer swigging, avaricious Maxine trying to shake down the gas man is so excellently out of character and yet not far from the delightfully awful person she is under the Southern lady facade.
Panty-meltin good, y'all!
More randomness is going on with the creepy baby, Creole lady, Lafayette and Terry n’ Arlene, with a slightly confusing flashback (um, 1920′s?) which shows the cracker father of Creole lady’s baby had him killed due to them days being moralistic and totes racist. So now she’s inhabiting Laffy and has kidnapped the creepy baby … um her accent is great but am I supposed to care about this? Back to witchy fun! The blonde twins turn up at Bill’s, which he’s visibly not thrilled about, insisting they want to fight the witches by his side, except Eric doesn’t really, he just wants to hide, shag like Nordic bunnies and trip his tits off, but Sook doesn’t roll that way. It’s looking promising for a temporary respite in this ersatz love story, as Eric’s about to go rogue, and Sookie rather evidently has not moved on from Bill, just taken a detour, especially now he’s being all noble and heroic and shit. Rejoice, partisan shippers! Myself, I’m just glad I no longer need a sick bucket and can look forward to some sex that actually makes me wanna hunt my man around the house and jump him. One day maybe … *sighs*
I hope she doesn't ask me to babysit Eric again
Midnight finally comes, drawing in vamps and nervous and badly armed witches (hope that silver tea tray came in handy, witch lady). And Alcide, ‘cos he can’t stay away from Sookie drama, and a trailing Debbie wolf. So both leaders lied and sensibly brought back up, but I don’t think Bill was planning to rip out throats if he could avoid it, it’s of course Eric who fucks that plan. Can’t we tattoo ‘cannot be trusted’ on him somewhere so everyone gets the message? The mist descends, the fight breaks out, Eric gorges himself on dippy wiccans, Sookie bumbles around in the dark and gets shot, Bill saves Tara from one-track Pam (hurrah! I hated how he blanked her in Jackson when she seriously needed help, and I like Tara, fuck all y’all, haters), and disdainfully repels shrieking, ineffectual assailants, and Antonia takes over Eric’s befuddled brain for more sinister motives than giving the writers an excuse to make him a suitable Sookie suitor. Violence is definitely going to ensue.
Is Antonia gonna make him go undercover as Nice but Dim Eric and launch a sneak attack on Bill, or is he just going to go mental the unsubtle, Viking, beserker way? I’m soooo goddamn excited to find out, as always. Until next time, fellow squeeing fangirls, who else is hoping for a blood-induced hot threesome dream that actually makes us horny next week? Clutching mah pearls in advance y’all.
Animated .gif: King Bill Tumblr
Still laughing at that GIF, with full credit to the King Bill tumblr, I found it on there- http://www.kingbill.tumblr.com
Comment by CitizenErased — August 16, 2011 @ 7:14 am
Uber bonus – thanks for mention!! It cracked me up too!!! Was laughing for hours – though I can’t take credit for the creation, I only reblogged for viewing pleasure.
Great article!!!
Comment by KingBill — August 16, 2011 @ 7:56 am
What happened to Bill’s order that Sookie was to be charged with trespassing if she goes any near his house again?
Comment by Joanna "Teahead" — August 16, 2011 @ 8:13 am
Maybe because she showed up with the former sheriff of Area 5 they gave her a pass. I’m sure Bill’s guards called him, he rolled his eyes and said “Let her pass.”
Good one, CE! Thanks for giving me an excuse to watch Jason’s scenes over and over for the caps. Yummy!
Comment by Sheryl — August 16, 2011 @ 8:19 am
Thanks CE. Great review, as usual! I have only seen this ep on a small computer screen and it took me 3 hours to watch with horrific buffering and freezing. Will be seeing a fully HD version on a big TV tomorrow and after that, will be able to relate better to the episode, recaps and comments!
Comment by lizzie1701 — August 16, 2011 @ 8:43 am
Saint Sookie the Single Brain Celled — LMAO
I love your reviews best cuz while you are being snarky as hell, you never fail to reach in and pull out the essence of each character and scene. Excellent as always.
Comment by shocknawe — August 16, 2011 @ 9:17 am
Great job as always. Great way to srart my day.
Comment by fbforbill — August 16, 2011 @ 9:47 am
CE – if you ever write a book, please let me know! This is better than MST3K on crack (or V)! Seriously hilarious commentary that made me snort my morning coffee right out my nose!
As for the snow-shower sex scene – WTF indeed!!?? Does not at all compare to the fabulous and creepy girl porn in seasons 1 and 2.
Thanks for making my day with the post-game wrap up!
Comment by DB — August 16, 2011 @ 10:01 am
You know, they do look like blond twins… When they were sitting on Bill’s sofa, I thought they looked like brother & sister!
Comment by Liz86000 — August 16, 2011 @ 10:03 am
Whoo hoo yeah baby! King Bill rules and the blond twins drools.
V trips and blood ties. Manipulative dim Eric rides the too trusting single brain celled(lol, brilliant CE )sookie hobby horse again.
Bill is the smartest boy in class (love it) as seen over and over again, he did not want to gamble with Sookies life and was afraid she would die.
Eric is all about himself, wanting to cowardly run away, leaving the mess he started AGAIN, in Bills lap. Sookie had to remind the “cough cough” warrior he should fight.
At least Sookie has finally acknowledges who she still loves, and needs to show loyalty too.
Yep, BILL!!
Then once again, Eric fucks up the meeting in the cemetary. What a loser. Cant control himself for anything. He may have shown a few human qualities before with Sookie, but they were mostly needy, whiney, and selfserving.
Hey blond Sookie, maybe you need to die your hair.
Comment by BillsNia — August 16, 2011 @ 10:21 am
Forgot to say “as I bow down in homage” many thanks to you CE for telling it like it is.
Comment by BillsNia — August 16, 2011 @ 10:21 am
Oh CE, my viewing of said eppys is never complete until I’ve bathed in your snark. LOL!
I will make one dissenting remark regarding the snowy Narnia bed scene….as someone who has never done drugs…people when they’re on drugs act and talk totally lame and stupid. THEY think they’re fascinating and exciting, but really they’re just boring.
E/S were on a V trip together, they think they’re in love, but really they’re just riding a V train together , not realizing how ridiculous they are.
That’s how I saw it. *shrug*
Comment by hdgcat — August 16, 2011 @ 10:39 am
Interesting. I find myself in broadly general agreement with our faithful reviewer, CE. However, at the risk of raising the hackles, I am fairly uncomfortable with the increasing levels of Bill’s political smarmy-ness. Steve plays the part excellently as always to the point that I feel slightly oily after watching Bill in “toady AVL mode.”
Comment by tabby1249 — August 16, 2011 @ 11:13 am
Sweet CE your review was the icing on the cake of TB snark for the week
To be original Narnia was not what came into my heard first but rather Game of Thrones and with your comparison of Sooric was brother and sister I am thoroughly convinced now because that can be said of them as Ceseri and Jame Lannister blonde twins sibling that romp each other to the point of weirdness….As usual Bill was just as handsome and perfect as ever, who else melted when they saw his eyes being stared at directly on screen? *sighs* TIVO moment!!!!! Poor Jessica, Jason and Hoyt which was cool to watch and this love triangle is rather enjoyable.
Glad someone else picked up on the Bill driving a SUV cuz seriously?? totally un-Bill but whatever…The showdown I thought was the best part of the episode to reveal the lengths that Bill is willing to himself in order to achieve with a woman that would love nothing better than to make him her slave luckily unlike everyone else who bested Antonia, Bill is a worthy opponent because he doesn’t think he can use his age to best her instead compassion and words which if it wasn’t for Eric might have work.
@Hdcat: Sookie should have taped herself while she was on this trip (if they can sex everywhere taping it doesn’t seem far-fetched) that way she can look back and see how stupid she was being.
Comment by Moonlight91 — August 16, 2011 @ 11:18 am
I like an effective politician, but then I work in and live near DC where we eat, sleep, and breathe politics. I think Bill’s a damn good one, too.
Comment by Sheryl — August 16, 2011 @ 11:40 am
Thanks CE. Another funny and spot-on review. Anytime the graveyard sex scene(Uber HOT!)is mentioned I daydream – sigh..yum..thanks. I love,love your fan-fic too.
@Liz86000 – I thought Eric and Sookie looked like siblings also! “The blonde twins” lol
Comment by JAL — August 16, 2011 @ 12:48 pm
Thanks Goodness for our ever smolderingly sexy Bill/Stephen. His character’s arc is the best this season. He’s sexy just standing there. Can’t stand what they’ve done to Sookie or Eric. Watching them trying to act together, with absolutly no chemistry between them is just painful. Their drug/blood induced stupor was ridiculous. She sounds like a 5 year old with a new Barbie.
She says that she never thought she could love again after Bill? Hah….it took her less than a day to get with Eric, and not even the real Eric. The writing of their characters so far is just lame….hope it improves.
Comment by Dana — August 16, 2011 @ 1:12 pm
You’re right, CE, eight is the lucky number for Bill fans and there’s always some awesomeness for any TB fan in that number too.
I loved the epi and so far this season it seems as if Bill is not only the hero of TB as usual, but the main character. I was dreading this episode due to the infamous shower scene and AB’s earlier disaster at writing this season. Well, my faith is back in AB for producing some of the best writing around … even if there was a WTF moment.
Thanks for a another great recap/review, CE. You have an innate talent, thanks for sharing it.
Comment by aemac — August 16, 2011 @ 1:42 pm
loved it CE!! HAIL TO THE KING!!!!!!!!!
Comment by amyishot4bill — August 16, 2011 @ 1:45 pm
great article, pulled no punches… can wait to see what happens next and for your next play by play!
Comment by judy minghini — August 17, 2011 @ 10:05 am
My only question is why didn’t Bill get all goofy and drunk when he fed from Sookie?
Comment by Piper1715 — August 17, 2011 @ 1:50 pm
That’s a really good question, Piper. I mean, really, Bill drank nearly the whole partial fairy! He got to hang out in the daylight for a few minutes but he didn’t get all drunk. Maybe it has to do with AmnesiEric’s 12-year-old boy regression?
Comment by Sheryl — August 17, 2011 @ 2:02 pm
Here’s another voice saying that your review of this episode was brilliant, as usual.
Tabby, I don’t think Bill is any oilier than most politicians, and he’s sort of between a rock and a hard place, doing the best he can. I have the feeling that by the end of the season, he and Nan will be on the outs. Why does shit always happen to Bill? He is the King of our hearts, now and forever. Sookie is such a dimwit this season, and the shower scene was nothing compared to the one with Bill and Sookie last season, now that was scorching hot. This one was tepid, meh and a total bore. Zero chemistry is completely right!
Comment by Crazy4Bill — August 17, 2011 @ 2:47 pm
Yay, finally I can comment. Your enthusiasm is oodles of fun ladies and I look forward to it every week, even when I’m not in the mood to write and have to kick my own ass to get started.
I have read several people of the Eric persuasion this week saying he only went beserk at the graveyard because of a new spell. Bull and Shit. He did it of his own bat, the spell came later. Sookie’s not the only one living in lala land, pshaw. Mostly everyone thought the Twilight sex was laaaaaaame though, LOLZ.
Comment by CitizenErased — August 17, 2011 @ 3:29 pm
BEST RECAP YET!
Comment by cakes — August 17, 2011 @ 6:10 pm
Best recap of the show!
I agree that Eric was not under a new spell when he ripped the heart, throat, whatever out. If he was under a spell from Marntonia, he wouldn’t have lunged at her to attack her. That was the moment she put him under a new spell. But just as Bill feared earlier, once he was encountered with a volatile situation, Eric was out of control. It’ll probably only get worse now that he’s Marntonia’s puppet.
Comment by SenseofDoubt — August 17, 2011 @ 11:30 pm
CE, great recap! You always make me laugh!
Comment by Roswellover — August 17, 2011 @ 11:45 pm
Had to read it again. Best recaps ever. Nothing else compares.
CE you tell it like it is, and then some.
Cant wait to hear more about hot king Bill and dim puppet Gollum.
Comment by BillsNia — August 18, 2011 @ 7:37 am
HI. I am new to post but have been lurking on the sidelines for ages. Can’t get enough Stephen or Bill. Thought I would make you feel a little better about Bill’s green agenda. The cadillac suits his kinglyness in appearance, and it is actually a HYBRD SUV and gets pretty good milage if that is the correct model.
Comment by SHARON — August 18, 2011 @ 4:59 pm
Hey Sharon, seriously? I didn’t know the US was making those kind of cars. In that case, I approve, since King Hotness of Shaggable probably needs something bigass and bulletproof
Comment by CitizenErased — August 18, 2011 @ 10:03 pm
CE – wonderful, as usual. We are spoiled, methinks, by your dry wit and snarky words, so that reading other, mundane, politically correct reviews has become distinctly underwhelming.
Comment by iamtrue2bill — August 19, 2011 @ 2:02 am
OK, have to continue so that I can point out some wonderful phraseology (to quote “Music Man”).
Tattoo on Eric: “Cannot be Trusted” – LMAO!
Sookie: “bumbles around in the dark and gets herself shot – another great choice of verbiage!
” “remembering she’s the goddamn star of the show…”
All great – and so many more!
Sookie continues to make risky choices, since she doesn’t mind getting killed if it’s for the vampire cause. Except it’s the vampires who are running around, opening up their wrists, and trying to save her life when she does get herself mortal danger. Nice to have BF’s who can save your life at a moment’s notice!
The rest of us have to call 911 and hope they arrive before we exsanguinate. It’s all in who you know!
Comment by iamtrue2bill — August 19, 2011 @ 2:23 am
CE, just discovered this part of the website (maybe I’m EB of the single brain cell!). LOVED your review – it was the best part of the week because I didn’t like the epi much at all. Two quotes that made me LOL (literally):
“Saint Sookie the Single Brain-Celled decided to interrupt her V-trip to the Harlequin Soft Porn for Middle Aged Ladies Channel and go and do something useful for a change”
“oh William, the Conqueror of my discerning heart and lady parts”
Agree that Bill is sexy as hell when he’s “take charge” like this, but I was seriously disappointed in his “plan” (unless further developments show him to be his usual, brilliant self). Yes, AE f*cked up at the cemetary, but that wasn’t all that caused everything to go wrong.
Look forward to Sunday’s epi and your brilliance!
Comment by eternallsbills — August 20, 2011 @ 10:03 am
Thanks CE for the too funny review with King panty-melting smexy William the Conquerer of my …lady parts, LOL, front and center as always.
Sharon is right, the Cadillac Escalade comes in a Hybrid model so not to worry KBill can keep the Caddy; less pollution and room to stretch out if he has company, I’m sure we all know what I mean by company!
Comment by callonmebill — August 20, 2011 @ 10:28 pm