In the beginning …

I have made a decision. I am never moving to Maine, nor am I ever moving to Louisiana. Why you ask? Well in Maine maniacal clowns live in the sewers, cars are possessed, poor doggies get rabies and attack asthmatic children, and there are vampires there, and they aren’t even the hot, sexy ones. Louisiana has shifters, fairies, weres of all sorts and faux witches. They do have, however, hot sexy vampires, so that is at least something. Oh yeah, and like Lake Wobegon everyone is above average looking. Lets face it, like Maine, Louisiana seems to be fly paper for trouble of the supernatural variety.

The title of tonight’s episode is “In The Beginning.” We are at the half way point in the season already. I always look into the song choices because Allan Ball and the musical people associated with the show are always right on with the song selections. They always serve as a double entendre, don’t they? Tonight is no different. I will get back to this later, I promise. Now, on with the show …

Well shit, Roman really is dead! Roman is, as we open, a rather messy puddle on the floor and table. Dieter is calling for a level one protocol … ooh, that can’t be good. It’s pandemonium in the Authority rec room. It’s dark. Molly is crying about how the istake app didn’t work, Bill is trying to find Eric, Salome is yelling that KRE should be left alive, and Nora is praising Lilith while under the UV lamps. The Authority storm troopers come in the rec room using night vision goggles and secure Russell under one of those pretty, sparkly, silver, netty things. Bill finds Eric hanging from a marble column quite unharmed even after Russell had him pinned on the table. Holy mackerel all this has happened and the theme music hasn’t even played yet.

Sookie is still at the Fae night club getting her luminescence checked. Okay. Jason wants what’s happening to his sister explained to him as a “laid man” … indeed, Jason.  Sookie right now is prone on a couch getting her aforementioned luminescence checked. Anyway, it seems since Sookie is only half Fae, her magical abilities are finite. Sookie wants to know if she will be normal. Claudia and Claude tell Sookie that she will no longer be Fae and yes she will be human. Notice they didn’t say normal, the Fae tap danced out of that pretty well. I find it odd that Sookie is swearing so much all of a sudden. In the beginning of the series she wouldn’t say “shit” if she had a mouthful of it and now fuck just flies out of her ole piehole. She kind of sounds like me now.

We are at “Ye Olde Bigot Armory” where Andy is talking to Bon Temps’ version of Gomer Pyle about Junior being shot. Sam is in the back room of the gun shop and smelling up the place. Ha, I made a funny. Anyway, Kenya is looking at Sam like she’s measuring him for the big butterfly net. They find the Obama masks the bigot assholes were wearing. Why didn’t Kenya stop Sam when he just grabbed the box of masks? Shouldn’t someone have been wearing gloves? Now we have Sam rolling around on the floor like my one dogs, Truffles, does. Only she snorts and wags her tail while she rolls around on her back and generally looks goofy. No wait, maybe this wasn’t so different. Sam later sniffs out another one of the assholes working in the hospital.

We now segue to Hoyt and his new friends, Joe Bob and company, otherwise known as bigot assholes in Obama masks. They all talk about how being in a hate group isn’t about being hateful, it’s really about brotherhood or cookies or love or rainbows and puppies, anything but hate when it really is all about nothing but hate. What struck me as weird was the black guy was talking crap about vampires. Oh honey, fifty years ago they would have been talking about you and how you were responsible for all their problems. Joe Bob, who is head asshole gets a phone call from “Dragon.” I don’t know yet whom Dragon is but anyone who calls himself that, I would bet, has a small penis. Hoyt talks about Jessica and how she probably glamoured him and she put Hoyt under her spell. Hoyt claims he hates Jessica. Oh no, they get the word that Junior is dead. I wonder if Hallmark has come out with a line of cards that read, “Sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved bigot”. Hoyt must tell me what eyeliner he is wearing, as it really has some serous staying power. Hoyt joins the merry band of assholes on a hunt. Oh boy …

We find Bill and Eric in a cell with Bill realizing they were used to bring KRE in for the specific purpose of killing Roman. Eric thinks it may be Nora, but the guys eventually reason out (ok, it’s mostly Bill) that Nora couldn’t have done it alone.  She had to have had an accomplice. Molly, the tech, is there with her laptop trying to figure out why the istake app didn’t work. Bill asks her if she is a Sanguinista, which she denies. Kibwe comes in and tells Bill and Eric that Salome wants to see them. Bill and Eric go to Salome’s room and wouldn’t you know it, Nora is there as well. There will be no happy reunion with Eric, as he tells Nora to go fuck herself. Russell bursts through the curtains and Bill and Eric drop fang and Russell tells them he just wanted to make an entrance. Russell wants to be buddies, says that he forgives Eric for killing Talbot. I don’t believe it, you don’t love someone for seven hundred years and then abandon that love so readily. I don’t think Bill is feeling the kumbaya moment, because when Russell says they’re all friends, Bill responds with, “The fuck we are!” Oh god Bill, say it again … slower, and look all mad and sexy when you say it. Oh my goodness!

Eric is not buying Nora’s line of shit about how she was really helping Bill and Eric when they were running from the Authority, because she didn’t trust Russell not to hurt Eric. Hmm, sorry Nora, I think maybe you have lost some credibility here.

Then, (drum roll please) … Salome confesses that she was the one who dug Russell up, that she followed Bill and Eric when they buried Russell. Salome believes that Russell was the only one who would be strong enough to take Roman out. I thought strength in vampires had largely to do with age, but I guess personal strength counts for a great deal as well. Bill wants to know why if Salome was banging Roman and had access to him all the time she didn’t just kill him herself. Move to the head of the class William, because we all want an answer to that one. Salome’s explanation left me completely bewildered. She may as well have been speaking that language they speak in Africa that consists only of tongue clicking. Salome’s explanation is as follows, word for word:  “The book is very clear on this subject. The Guardian’s blood is sacrosanct. He alone shall determine, when His Essence shall flow.” Ok, got that? I’m glad I could clear that up for you. Seriously, what the fuck did all that mean? Moving on …

Bill has Salome’s number; he tells her she can’t be the grieving widow while she was the one planning Roman’s downfall. Bill says that he “sees her” and knows this is all about a power play. Salome says all she wants is to share the new power this event has given her. Uh huh, you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you. Nora in an act of conciliation holds out her hand to Eric and he tells both Salome and Nora that he will not join them and tells them in his own special way, by calling them “bible banging cunts.” Bill, always the more diplomatic of the two, tells them that Mainsteaming is the only way to assure the survival of both human and vampire. The boys are given the chance to participate in “an initiation “ of sorts and this prompts Nora to praise Salome on her mercy and Salome and Russell go on about how it’s really Lilith and her mercy. Bill and Eric look at each other like they wish they had worn their hip waders for this load of crap. Don’t they look excited to go?

Now we get to watch Alcide train with the lady wolf chick who backed him last week when Alcide challenged JD. Why the hell is Alcide wearing a headband? He looks silly, maybe he’s doing a Gun n’ Roses video later. Alcide and lady wolf girl tumble around, get sweaty, are about to have a roll in the hay (literally) and debate the wisdom of Alcide doing V to level the playing field. Martha walks in and not only acts as a reminder of Debbie, but she also reminds Alcide and wolf girl what a swell dad and pack leader JD is and how he deserves a chance. Alcide, much to his credit, does not tell Martha that JD was cheating on her.

I’m going to wrap up the Terry and Arlene thing in one paragraph. Arlene watches her wedding video. It’s actually very sweet, with all their friends wishing Arlene and Terry well. Hoyt and Jessica still in love, Jason is Jason. We see Terry kissing Arlene’s pregnant belly. Holly tells Arlene that Terry is just suffering from PTSD. God, how I wish that was true. Arlene tells Holly that Terry said that he’s cursed. Ho hum. Terry and Patrick are sitting in a field feeling sorry for themselves and “that which no one cares about” shows up. Terry almost kills himself, but Patrick stops him. Hey doesn’t this fire monster thing look like it could be the fat cousin of the fire monster from Lord of the Rings? You know the one Gandalf tells, “you shall not pass.” Well, here’s a picture, you decide.

Sookie is in bed in her jammies. Jason made her breakfast since the intricacies of lunch are too much for him. It’s cute, and he tried. They talk about how much they love each other and the blame for their parents’ death lies with whomever did the actual killing, not with either one of them.

Andy goes to old Sheriff Dearborn for advice about how to handle the shootings. Sheriff Dearborn is more interested in his extra curricular marital activities to help. This scene seemed to be just filler.

Lafayette goes to see Jesus’ grandfather who has Jesus’ head as a memento. Holy shit, whatever happened to pictures and a candle or something? Don Bartolo and Lafayette have an intellectual exchange about Jesus’ abilities. This ends with Lafayette getting his mouth stitched up like Jesus’ and Don Bartolo wanting to get him some of Lafayette’s brain blood to give to the baby so it has Jesus’ abilities. Lafayette tells Don Bartolo that he feels that this is not the best course of action. Since Lafayette’s mouth is currently stitched up, he sums up his thoughts by just giving the old guy the finger. Well, the baby mama is having none of that and she stabs Don Bartolo nine times and unstitches Lafayette’s mouth.

Sookie goes to visit Luna in the hospital and brings all sorts of goodies for Luna. Ooh, Sookie brought Sonic! Sookie and Sam go out into the hallway to talk. Sam tells Sookie about the assholes that shot him and Luna. Sookie asks Sam if he could be normal, would he. Sam weighs the options, and he sees that there are reasons for both arguments. Sam clinches it when he says maybe the people he loved might still be alive if he were normal. You can see Sookie has made her decision.

Now we’re in Fangatasia and apparently Pam is wearing old yellow phone cords instead of hair. Tara’s mom enters and shows us all why she’s a piece of shit. She can’t be Tara’s mom anymore because Tara is a vampire. I’m confused … when was she a mother exactly? Tara goes to Pam’s office and they have a semi tender moment.

Salome is selling her plan to the rest of the council couched in religious prose. Roman turned his back on Lilith and Lilith forgives KRE for all that he has done. Bill and Eric seem to be of the same mind, as does the rest of the council who all have a constipated look. This has the potential for disaster. Russell disavows himself from his prior acts by asserting his love and loyalty to Lilith. How very convenient. Nora talks about how Roman believed vampires evolved from humans. No, I think what Roman said was, they all at one time were human. The blood in the sealed container that was used for ceremonies and that Roman thought was just symbolic, is in fact really Lilith’s blood. Dieter looks irritated and Rosalyn looks aghast. Nora gives this little speech saying all doubts will be erased when the true power of the blood is revealed and she looks directly at Eric as if to tell him she didn’t betray him. Nora announces that everyone will drink of Lilith’s blood. Bill, Eric and Rosalyn silently show their objections, with Dieter saying out loud that this is an act of blasphemy. Russell beheads him. Okay, then … Who’s for blood? Bill asks Eric if they are really going to do this. Eric doesn’t think this is going to amount to much as it’s just vampire blood and they are all vampires. The next scene shows all of the vampires who ingested blood on a Lilith blood acid trip walking the streets of NOLA. All I could think was that they should have been playing Jefferson Airplane in the background. Some poor guy honks his horn and Bill jumps onto his hood telling the driver the streets belong to the humans no longer. God, he looked freaking hot! By the way, today at work I had to use the air horn AND siren. Bill, did you hear that? I have been a naughty girl with the horn. Aww, Eric gives Bill a piggy back ride. What a guy! I could do that, I’m just saying …

JD has a meeting with the wolf pack and tells them a vampire friend of his says that a vampire war with humans is coming and that the wolves must choose sides. JD distributes a vial of ‘V’ and offers it to Emma and thankfully Martha walks in and puts a stop to it. If I were JD I’d be careful, I wouldn’t want Martha pissed at me, she’s a formidable woman.

Oh lord, we’re in a karaoke bar that is hosting a wedding rehearsal dinner. Please, let the next scene be the whole bar being engulfed in a fiery nuclear blast. No? Okay, next best thing then. The bride-to-be is singing, “You Light Up My Life”, when who do you think comes on stage to join her? KRE! He’s not doing badly. I would almost pay money to see them finish the song together. Some lady in the wedding party recognizes Russell and with that the rest of the vampires still in bloodlust jet in and the screaming ensues.

Jessica is having a snack in the form of a hot guy’s femoral artery when a slightly tipsy Jason drops by. They talk about how he and Sookie’s parents died. We cut to Sookie flashing back to times in her life when she slowly realized she was not human. Sookie decides on a course of action. Since she was told that her power is finite she’s going to empty herself out, in more ways than one I think. Back to Jason. Jessica tries to talk some sense into him. She is a sharp young lady. Jessica kisses Jason and he tastes blood on her lips. Jason gets pissy and he and Jessica argue about her not knowing the name of her ”meal” and Jessica responds telling Jason he doesn’t know every cow he’s ever eaten. Touché Jess, well done! Anyway the argument gets ugly and Jessica bites Jason and he shoots her. The King’s guards come in and Jessica throws Jason out. Jason leaves but not without seeing the light show in his sister’s backyard.

Oh, we’re back at the rehearsal dinner, except the wedding party isn’t eating, they are being eaten. Everyone is eating heartily. Kibwe at a femoral artery and most of the others at the carotid, while Bill goes for the breast. Nigel the baby eater is there too, eating the only child in attendance. The scene brightens and we see a single drop of blood fall. Needless to say all the vampires in the room freeze to see what is happening. From the ripples the blood drop causes, Lilith rises, complete with waxed pubes. I don’t know, I think a woman of her stature could have made more of an effort and maybe had an “L” like in “ Laverne and Shirley” or maybe an anatomically correct heart? Lilith screeches (?) and walks to Nora and blows red dusty stuff in her face and with that the rest of the vampires continue to feed. Bill with gusto at the ladies breast and Eric at a woman’s throat. While Eric is feeding, Obi wan Godric shows up and tells Eric the force is strong with him and that he should save his sister. Eric looks up from Godric and looks at Nora and he doesn’t see Lilith. Is she really there? We close.

I found this episode somewhat muddled. Again there was too much straying from the lead characters. The vampire parts seem to have been the most coherent. The song for “In The Beginning” is done by K”naan. K’naan is a Somali poet and songwriter. The lyrics are about corruption spoiling the minds of people. You should check the lyrics out; they are prophetic of the ending of the tonight’s episode. Speaking of corruption, I am anxious to see what is going to happen to our beloved Bill. We’ve all heard the rumors about his falling into a dark place. I think it’s okay, as it gives Steve a chance to do more than look sad and pine for Sookie while being constantly shit upon. Allan Ball has said many times that the character of Bill reminds him of a tragic hero, like Edward Rochester in Jane Eyre. The tragic hero always has to suffer but ultimately he will find his way back into the light. Have faith ladies. Bill will find his way.

Tell me what you think …

GIF credits:

Bill and Eric

We’re all friends

Piggyback ride

Bill feeding