“Hopeless” was the title of tonight’s episode sung by Percy Mayfield, the man who wrote “Hit the Road Jack” for Ray Charles. Was this episode hopeless? I’m thinking it wasn’t, but it did pose some interesting questions. Namely, when Russell Edgington staked Roman, why didn’t Roman explode like everyone else? Roman kinda melted like the Nazi guy from “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And why didn’t anyone try to stop RE? Who is the guy on the bridge smelling Sookie’s band-aid? (Ewww). Is Chris Meloni really gone? Will Steve ever realize it’s me he needs more than he needs oxygen to breathe? Will all of my enemies be crushed under my immense wealth? Let us find the answers together …

We know Alcide was grabbed as many have speculated. As our large lupine friend was dragged off, we see Sookie running out to get into more trouble, as is her way. We hear Bill yell for Sookie and then we see where Russell was hiding all his critters, in what look like morgue drawers. Wolves jump out of their drawers to land on Bill and Eric. Russell, always knowing when to seize a moment, uses the distraction to grab the tasty Ms. Stackhouse. Sookie microwaves him as Bill and Eric make short work out of their furry assailants. Eric wants to kill KRE on the spot but Bill makes Eric see reason. Wouldn’t you know it! Just as all the hard work was done, the Authority shows up laser guns in tow. Kibwe was there in hot sniper gear. Good lord, there is something about him I like. Sookie has a total WTF moment.

Oh look! Jessica is flying through Fangtasia at the hands of Tara. Okay, now I know Tara was a cage fighter last year and chronologically she is older than Jessica, but as a vamp, Jessica is older. Why didn’t she kick Tara’s ass? Tara believed she was well within her rights to kick Jessica’s ass, because Jessica came into “her house” (Tara’s). Pam drags an impertinent Tara away by her hair and then proceeds to scold Tara in her usual condescending manner. Pam’s hair has reached proportions that Snooki on Jersey Shore would be envious of. We see Hoyt eyeballing Jessica.

Oh shit! We’re back to Terry and Sgt. Patrick. This would be the point at which I would either get up and pee or throw stuff in the dryer if I wasn’t writing this review. This is filler as far as I’m concerned. I really am tired of the writers trying to shoehorn this story into the show and was hoping it would be abandoned like the Hot Shot werepanther fiasco. Sadly this is not the case. I will make this short as it deserves the merest fraction of my attention. The smoke, fire thingy (I am purposely not calling it by name, it does not warrant that much energy) has a whole Harry Potter Death Eater moment scaring Terry and Patrick.

We see Russell being cuffed, but not before he does what he does best … Russell goes on one of his rants. Is there something wrong with me that I actually kinda agree with some of what he says on a political level. You remember Russell’s dazzling TV debut on the evening news in season three? With the exception of the eating people and babies, a lot of what he says is a cogent argument for accountability. I won’t bore you with the details, we’re all True Blood nerds. You probably have the DVD, so rewatch that episode. Anyway, Russell likens the worshiping of Lilith to the worshiping of leprechauns, unicorns or the “motherfucking Kardashians.” He’s basically saying that religion is bullshit. God I missed him! Alcide comes back and he knows some of the wolves that attacked them. They are from Marcus’ pack and Marcus’s dad was the wolf that grabbed Alcide at the end of the last week’s episode.

Kibwe wants to know who the humans and wolf are and why they are there. Bill and Eric tell Kibwe they found them “humping like livestock” in Alcides truck and they brought the other human, Doug (my favorite wussy), as he remembered being at the asylum before. Poor Doug isn’t going to survive, even though all he wants is to forget. Then there are some of the other of Russell’s walking Manwiches that want financial compensation: Kibwe dispatches them quickly with blood spattering walls and the like. Nuts! I was liking Kibwe and his sexy accent …

Kibwe feels that Alcide and Sookie know too much. The always thinking Bill, as usual, seems to be two steps ahead of everyone and casually says, “nothing a little glamouring won’t take care of.” Kibwe acquiesces. Bill moves to “glamour” Sookie. Eric to Alcide. Eric heals some of Alcide’s wounds with his blood and tells him that he won’t remember anything of that night, that he should always protect Sookie and that romantically Sookie is disgusting to him. Hehe that was funny. Bill’s “glamouring” of Sookie left me crying like an emotionally disturbed child. We all know Sookie can’t be glamoured and so does Bill. He takes the opportunity to say goodbye to Sookie. This was Bill’s tacit acceptance of Sookie’s wanting to live a normal life (it’s never gonna happen). It was romantic and loving. Bill told Sookie it would be as though she had never met him or Eric and that she would live her life as she should … in the sun. Bill pulled the nails from Sookie’s shoes so she can now move forward even if that means away from him. Both of them appear to be on the verge of tears. Steve and Anna really nail this scene. What they are both feeling is palpable.

I have to say, the next scene with Luna and Sam being brought into the ER by paramedics, really bugged me. I know, I know! It’s fiction! But Jesus Christ, no one gives an injection on the run! The O2 masks were wrong! Ok, deep breath … all right, I’m better. Emma, as a wolf puppy, goes to Marcus’ mom for help. I want to like Annie. I hope she doesn’t disappoint me.

Hoyt is still dressed like he just left a Flock of Seagulls concert. He has totally misunderstood Jessica not letting Tara drain him as an act of love rather than just an act of kindness. His behavior is sad, desperate, and way needy. He’s trying way too hard and Jessica is quite rightly creeped out. Oh, Hoyt! You can’t make someone love you no matter how hard you try. Later in the episode we find Hoyt trying to commit suicide by vampire and getting saved by the assholes in the Obama masks.

I can’t help but think that Sookie is crying on the way home because Bill said goodbye to her rather than her saying goodbye to him. Bill and Eric are taken back to the Authority and Eric wants to know if he and Bill have escaped death. Kibwe gives him the “only Lilith knows that,” with Bill answering that Lilith knows all, or some shit like that. Okay, hold on. I am putting on a flack jacket and standing behind a shield. I liked Eric better in this scene. Maybe because Eric echoed my feelings about religion: it’s basically comforting mythology. Religion provides a cushion and a false sense of happiness from the harsh realities of life. Stop ass kissing Bill … it’s beneath you! Eric, I’m on board with you, delivering my favorite line of the episode: “Lilith can fucking blow me.” You don’t have to cover your ass Bill, it’s just fine the way it is.

Oh lord, another dream sequence for Jason. True Blood writers … stop it! Theses scenes are lame and no one cares. Now back to our show.

Alcide looks funny under a fluffy pink comforter with his long legs hanging over the edge in Sookie’s bed. Oh my God! Sookie is having a big girl moment! She’s sad and hungover and like I said before, Sookie now realizes that this time it was Bill who is the one who let HER go. Sookie unglamours Alcide and he is muttering something about this being Jackson all over again and that Bill and Eric are idiots, yada yada, yada.

Another note to the True Blood writers: please don’t make nurses look stupid. Sam and Luna talk about who shot them and Luna lets Annie (Marcus’ mom) keep Emma safe.

Terry and Patrick argue about the fire monster thing. There is running from the truck and yelling and flashbacks. I don’t care. What a waste of a good character.

Lafayette goes to his mom’s nursing home and Ruby Jean looks catatonic. She isn’t, she just scares the shit out of Lafayette. Ruby Jean talks about the “lectricity” that just seems to run through her body and she “sees shit she ain’t got no right to be seein’.” Ruby Jean says that this has been happening all her life. I have a theory. I think maybe Lafayette got his abilities from his mom. Maybe she wasn’t strong enough to handle all the input and that’s why everyone thinks Ruby Jean has dementia. Lafayette and Mom talk about how Jesus is in trouble from his grandfather and Ruby Jean tells Lafayette that Jesus loves the little faggots. Lafayette just waves his finger and leaves. Now, you see this storyline, even though it’s forced, it’s ok with me as Alfre Woodard and Nelsan Ellis were nothing short of fucking awesome.

Sookie, Holly and Arlene have a conversation about men. Sookie is back to pointing the finger at everyone else in her life and not herself. She may not be able to control the circumstances of all that has happened, but she can control her own reaction, attitude and acceptance of things. Other people may give you a start, Sookie, but in the end the finish is up to you. Jason shows up and tells Sookie about being in the Fae nightclub and about seeing Hadley there. They run off to get her with Sookie telling Jason the Fae are not what they appear to be.

Sam strong arms Andy into letting him help find the assholes who are targeting shifters. They go to the bigot sports shop that sells weapons made for killing supes. Sam can smell that the guy is up to no good and Sam shoots him, saving Andy’s life. I want to know who Junior was talking to as Andy walked in? I think it was the assholes in the Obama masks shooting people, telling them to ”have fun tonight.”

Alcide finds Annie’s husband, JD, making out with some girl. Another storyline. Really? Apparently now we are going to be force-fed Alcide and the she-wolf who backs him up trying to wrest control of the pack from JD. I’m about half past give a shit with this story line too.

Bill and Eric arrive back at the Authority HQ. The boys are reticent about the circumstances of their return and whether or not they are going to get their asses handed to them. The Authority council minus Roman is there congratulating Bill and Eric on bringing Russell in. Salome kisses Bill and not Eric on a job well done. Hmm, interesting. Molly takes off their istakes. Phew, that’s a relief. I love the ‘fuck you’ look Eric gives Molly. Kibwe tells Bill and Eric that Salome has been interrogating Russell and Eric asks to see Nora. Salome tells Eric that Nora has revealed herself to be a Sanguinista. Bill looks at and moves subtly away from Eric, kinda like Eric farted. Eric warns Salome about being around KRE. Salome assures Eric she’s fine because Russell has been silvered and is “impaired.” Hell, that’s putting it mildly. Again, Salome congratulates Bill and Eric. Bill says it was their duty. Eric calls Bill a “boy scout” and Bill calls Eric a “delinquent.” Funny stuff.

Roman flounces in, apparently after just playing a round of golf judging by the way he’s dressed. He is over the moon about Russell having been captured. He even has a bottle of blood from an 18th century hemophiliac. I get the feeling that Bill and Eric still feel as though they are walking on eggshells going by the look they give each other. Roman says that now he knows that Bill and Eric are all on the same page politically and they did exactly what he wanted them to do, bring Russell in. Yeah, well Roman, you can thank Bill for that. Bill says he is “wholeheartedly” on board with the Mainstreaming agenda and Eric says he has felt protective about some humans in the past. With that, Roman asks Eric a leading question with an implicit threat about how he must now know that the Sanguinista “vision” endorses slavery and rape, etc. All during this, Bill looks like he wishes Eric would just shut the hell up because Eric may be sharpening his own stake by saying too much. Eric plays it off by saying as long as humans don’t interfere with him he is content to remain a pacifist. All righty then.

Salome wants to go interrogate Russell more. Roman stops her and says not to bother because Russell is set for execution shortly. Salome gets a funny look on her face. I can’t put my finger on her expression; troubled maybe. But I get the distinct feeling that she doesn’t want him executed. What her reason may be for that, I’m not sure about either. Roman says he is tired of vampires using Lilith to rationalize their greed and sadism. Roman then starts quoting from the vampire bible. Rosalyn, like a good Texas Republican girl, is more than eager to quote from any bible, human or otherwise. From the way she was swaying I thought for sure the snakes and speaking in tongues was next up. The look on Dieter’s face is priceless. Bill and Eric are quiet but Eric does make an orchestral hand gesture that is amusing.

Salome again makes a plea not to execute Russell because his interrogation may yield something of value. Roman puts the kibosh on that, saying anything KRE says is suspect as he is as nutty as Christmas fruit cake. In fact, Roman is so stoked, he wants Russell executed right away. Salome asks Roman if he wants her to sliver him again. Ok, could she appear any more suspicious? She wants to get to Edgington in a bad way. Roman wants an istake put on him to save his snappy little outfit. I have to admit Chris Meloni does look hot in the whole ensemble. Eric asks again to see Nora and tells Roman that Nora is his sister. Bill gets an, “oh fuck me” look on his face. Roman, again threateningly asks if Eric will be attending Russell’s execution, and Eric says he wouldn’t miss it for the world. Bill is attending as well, saying he loves a good execution. I think he feels with Edington gone, Sookie will finally be safe. Au contraire, love. While Sookie has breath in her body, I can assure you there will be trouble.

Arlene and Terry have a talk about “that which shall not be named.” Terry feels he has to leave to keep Arlene and the kids safe. Arlene asks him if he went off his meds. Terry leaves. No one cares anymore.

Sookie and Jason go to fairy field. Sookie finds the entrance right away and drags Jason in. Oh no, we’re back in the “Lady Marmalade” video. Sookie finds Hadley and she tells Sookie that she and Hunter are both safe there. Claude (Claudine’s brother) runs up to Sookie, gives her a big hug and Sookie has no idea who the hell he is. Probably because he looked like a bridge troll the last time she saw him. Claude introduces Sookie to all his other sisters, apparently all named with some variation of Claude. Sookie asks if a vampire did kill her family and is told by Claude that the smell of her blood on the band-aid is what drew the vampire to her family. Sookie totally rejects that idea and tries to microwave Claude, only to find her fingers don’t have the same wattage in fae land. Sookie gets collectively zapped by all of Claude’s sisters.

Nora is praying in her cell and Eric is watching her as Russell gets dragged off, outfitted in his new istake. Salome walks by and tells Nora that Russellis about to be killed and walks off. At first, Nora seems very distressed by his impending doom. Then Nora has a revelation that this is Lilith’s plan being manifest. Well, at least we know now that Nora didn’t dig Russell out.

Edington is about to be istaked and Roman is praying. I think Russell hits a nerve when he says that Roman is using Lilith to justify his bloodlust for power, as the Sanguinistas have their bloodlust for humans. At least we know that Russell doesn’t identify himself with the Sanguinistas. I have to give him his due, he calls them as he sees them. He calls Roman a hypocrite and says he gorges himself on human blood because he likes it, “It makes my dick hard!”, not because the vampire bible tells him to. Roman has had enough and is about to use the app to utilize the istake when Russell tells Roman he was a “self righteous prick in the Renaissance and that he is still one now.” KRE yells that this has been all about Roman’s ego and Roman tells him it’s about order and mercy rather than sadism. Roman is about to use the app and everyone backs up, no doubt because they think Russell is going to make one hell of a mess. Bill looks anxious … Roman presses the button and nothing, again, and nothing. Russell spins and is on Roman. The chancellors look dumbfounded. Salome looks, I don’t know. KRE exclaims, “Peace is for pussies!” and with that, stakes Roman. Bill and Eric exchange a look and Salome has a tear fall from her eye. Nora raises her arms in prayer. We are done.

Hmm … I don’t think KRE was silvered much, if at all. Sure, Salome had a tear fall from her eye and she genuinely may be sorry that Roman is dead, but I think she had a hand in his downfall. Why didn’t anyone help? Shock maybe? I’m kinda pissed that Russell and Roman had so little time to spar on screen. Denis O’Hare and Chris Meloni are just captivating, and it’s over. I really hope the writers are not setting up Bill for a royal fucking over by making him the guy in the hat on the bridge. Give the guy a break.

By the way it took me two weeks to figure out what the whole Fae nightclub scene reminded me of and it’s this video. Give it a click, I swear it’s worth it. The music is terrific.

As always, I want to know what y’all think. See you next week.

GIF credits:
Alcide being dragged.
Bloody bus.
Hoyt
Lafayette’s mom.
Bill & Eric get de-istaked.
Entering Faeland.
Russell