From the depths of DeSpare (a bar around the corner from her house) and a massive tequila binge, we bring you the Queen of Snark, the Empress of Wit … CITIZENERASED! That’s right Bill Compton fans, she’s back and ready to rumble. CE’s kindly taken one for the team and read Charlaine Harris’ new True Blood book, Dead Reckoning, now available in CE’s New Zealand home, and gives us this delightfully Bill Compton-laden review. Enjoy!

So yeah, I’m the last person you’d expect to be reviewing the latest Charlaine Harris offering, since for the last two years I’ve vacillated wildly between burning my Sookie book collection on my front lawn and dancing around the bonfire naked and cackling with glee, or less dramatically, flogging said books on Ebay. Partially as I’ve thought they were crap from Book 7 onwards (and pretty unpleasant from Book 3, if you’re Team Beel), and because I’m heartily sick of encountering smug, hysterical, Viking worshiping ‘Bookie’s’ on the interwebs of crazy. But here I am, as fair and balanced as Faux News, wearing my slatternly petticoats of partisanship, ready and willing to tear Dead Reckoning to bits for the delectation of other pissed off Bill fanciers. But whaddya know, it’s actually a bloody good read. “WTF?” I hear you cry … well, I shitteth you not.

WARNING, MEGA SPOILERS AHEAD, since I’m mostly writing for an audience that needs a hell of a lot of convincing as to whether the book is worth forking out cash for. Miz Harris, you owe me BIG time after this. What’s been going on in Bookie Bon Temps lately? Hmm, Debbie Pelt’s even more psycho sister, Sandra, is gunning for the Sook. Merlotte’s gets firebombed and is generally going down the gurgler. Sam is losing money and dating some white trash Were chick. Eric is in a vile mood due to his arch nemesis, Louisiana Regent Victor, giving him assholes and because he’s hiding something pretty evil from Sookie, and Pam is similarly miserable because she wants to turn a nice ladyfriend who’s dying of cancer but Victor won’t let her. Cured from being chomped by a silver toothed fairy, Bill is in the awkward position of wanting to ditch the besotted lady that saved his fine ass, his vamp sister Judith. In the midst of all this grouchiness, our feisty narrator Sookie is working, being nice to people, dealing with her fairy flatmates and revelations from Grandma Stackhouse’s past, flirting up a storm with Bill (gasp) and Sam, and inexplicably continuing to see Eric on and off.

Constantly torn between wanting to be as normal as possible and getting her ass dragged into the exciting, bloody, and troublesome, I really thought this book got us back to the Sookie we all know and admire. An essentially sweet, strong, down-home girl who always wants to help folks, even when they’re nastyass, rude, or totally exploiting her good nature. I always liked how the books and the show, when at their best, veer between the prosaic (Sook is forced to eat shitty old Special K instead of the fairy’s donuts as she’s worried about getting fat) and the downright fantastical (random freaky-toothed elf guy turning up at the kitchen window proudly brandishing two severed heads) as part of the heroine’s everyday life. And I liked to be reminded that we’re meant to like Sookie for herself, not see her as a wretched Mary Sue or, less politely, a brainless fuck-toy as an accessory to whatever vampire we see as the hero. Because neither Bill nor Eric are the hero in these stories, it’s the Sook.

The main theme of the book is the assassination of Victor, which ends up being due to our gal’s devious idea of using Vampire Elvis Bubba as a diversion. Another big theme besides the usual fairy blah blah is Sookie and Eric’s slowly disintegrating relationship. She has the blood bond broken (fuck YEAH, thanks Amelia) without telling him first, he’s going to marry the Queen of Oklahoma at the behest of his creepy Roman paedo maker Appius (erm, at this point, non-book readers are getting REALLY confused), and towards the end of the book she walks away from him thoroughly fed up with his high handed, bloodthirsty, devious vamp bullshit, going home with uh, Bill. Our beloved William, long neglected by the author and scorned by many book readers as some kind of vile pantomime villain, makes a very, VERY welcome comeback in this book. Dry and snarky, dignified yet devoted, and sexy, sexy, sexy, Bill gets shot of Judith in an uber awkward scene halfway through the book and spends the rest of the time being useful, protective, providing sage advice, and being very flirty. He’s a vamp in love, hopeless though it might be, and the usually ungrateful minx Sook does appreciate it.

The best scene in the book is where Sookie is running away from some bad dudes during a rainstorm, and ends up at Bill’s house. Ditching her clothes so she doesn’t leave a trail of wet footprints, she finds his hidey hole and climbs in there to hide. Bill is still sleepy but mighty appreciative of his naked present, and hilarity ensues. Seriously, I sniggered my tits off for hours after reading that part. The dialogue snaps and crackles, the chemistry’s great, and I felt like Sook was enjoying herself as much as moi. A sample:

‘Right,’ Bill said. He looked very thoughtful. ‘If I didn”t know you better, I would think- and pardon me if I offiend- that you’d concocted this whole scenario to excuse yourself for wanting to bed me again.”

‘Oh. You mean, you might almost imagine that I made up this story so I could appear naked and in need of help, the damsel in distress, needing big, strong, equally naked Vampire Bill to rescue me from the evil kidnappers?’

The book contains very little smut compared to others, a point which is sure to annoy fans of the Blonde One, but the hidey hole scene was sexy and suggestive enough to make my toes curl. Just to show I’m not COMPLETELY sex obsessed, here’s some other awesome tidbits from the book and a few “meh” moments:

Awesome:

• Pam and Eric have a big fight in Sookie’s kitchen and smash the place to shit. An annoyed Sook gets them to STFU and stop by throwing a jug of water over their heads
• Sook has a T-shirt that reads ‘I Fight Like a Girl’
• Andy Bellefleur is going to name his new baby Caroline Compton Bellefleur. Nawww …
• A grumpy Eric says Sookie wants him to be like Bill
• The blood bond is broken with a silly witchy spell, and apparently Eric knew how it could be broken all along. Quelle surprise.
• The Shreveport vamps all assemble to take out Victor at Fangtasia in a colourful, gory scene. Bubba provides the soundtrack.
• Driven blood-mad by Sookie’s fairy uncle, Dermot’s, bleeding head wound, Bill says ‘feed me Sookie’. HOT.

Meh:

• Sookie’s grandad Fintan, who shagged her Grandma, has left her a magic fairy box that looks a bit like a Clinique makeup compact. She agonises over using it, but doesn’t. It can grant one wish. I’d wish for Eric to bugger off to be King of Antarctica and forget I existed but hey, that’s me …
• Fairies are gathering at Claude’s strip club and are plotting something.
• Alcide turns up in Sookie’s bed. She finally decides she dislikes him as much as I do and tells him to take his overly-muscled ass out her door forever. El sleazo.
• Sam’s skanky girlfriend is likely to be Sook’s new enemy now she’s got rid of a couple old ones.
• There’s a baby shower for white Book Tara, it’s not very exciting but was probably a nice rest for Sook after all the drama.
• The disappearance of Judith felt like Charlaine had decided she was a dead end and ditched her hurriedly, in similar fashion to Quinn.

Well y’all, to wrap it up I’d say Dead Reckoning was a very satisfying read and though it still left a shitload of unanswered questions (some of which will probably NEVER be answered, as that’s how ole Charlaine rolls), I felt like things were moving on significantly for all the characters and I don’t regret buying it as I have with some others in the series. I’d love to see Eric and Sookie break up as I think he’s already won the award for Worst Vamp Boyfriend in History with his fuckery (despite stiff competition), and I’d like to see Bill get another shot, at least briefly, for old times sake, and ’cause I love his moody ass. But aside from frivolous Team nonsense, I would love the series to end on a high, with Sookie getting her happy ever after, finally accepting that her life has changed forever and that killing baddies and hanging out with weirdos doesn’t make you less of a Good Christian Gal, and getting some peace, and maybe real, uncomplicated love. After 12 books of high drama, she will deserve it. Four Stars, and lets hope the next book is as decent.